…and I’m calm as fuck…
It’s been quite difficult to write recently.
My mind is consumed with a plethora of thoughts, worries and concerns and I sincerely doubt that things will be letting up in there very soon.
I’ve been musing over plans for the next three months realizing, impatiently, that this is just a test of my patience. Which I do not find to be amusing.
I’m used to doing so much more and being so active and exploring the world and… and..
not used to being confined to my room for hours, days, and weeks.
Trapped inside of my head.
I’ve been excited to get my writing started and share all of the wonderful Occupy adventures I’ve been through this year, but I guess I still haven’t found my land legs. That anxious desire to answer the call in the streets and shove my fist high into the air while adding my voice to the power of the people all around me marching, laughing, singing and beating wild drums…
And now I sit.
Enclosed in the walls of a house.
Staring at a bright screen that connects me to the rest of the world.
And I drink my tea.
Hoping that others will fill my role in the movement.
Ensuring that a future will be left around by the time Eeo comes into the world.
And I am no longer pregnant.
I ponder over the various roles I’ve assumed in the last year.
Taking pictures, making videos, sharing information, creating events, occupying public spaces, making signs, making art, writing poems, marching in the streets, spending hours lobbying in the state capitol, making music, meeting people and introducing people to each other for better connections and an overall connectedness. Etc…
Now, my role has come down to this growing belly and what occupies beneath. ^_~!
If you don’t know much about me, then you won’t know that I am a perfectionist whenever it comes to certain things in my life that I deem severely important.
Following Buddhism as a way of living and thinking and having immersed myself in the Tao, I don’t usually plans things too far in advance. I flow with the way of the Universe and read signs and think in infinite possibilities.
But having a little baby…
Nurturing a new soul…
Raising the next generation…
That is a role that needs a more delicate tending to and I will not settle with mere chance.
So my brain has been overworked lately. Trying to make plans for plans on top of plans.
And where have I gotten to?
At my computer screen.
I’m so overwhelmed with all of the things that I could be doing right now that I don’t even know where to begin. All the paintings I could paint. All the songs I could manifest. All of the stories I could write about. All the ways I could get to all the places I could be.
That’s only half of the problem.
The rest are mostly personal. Like stress that spills over from other sources and into my cup. I must immediately begin to make this blog one of my outlets. Or else I may go mad.
From now on I may spill my soul into this, like word vomit.
It has to be done.
It will definitely keep me from filling up everyone that I know’s inboxes with complete nonsense. xD
Maybe eventually I will begin to get sleepy again.
But for now…
it’s time to make three cups into four…