Anger, the Energy For Change

Text from a best friend:{How are things goin?}

My response:{After careful consideration and I let go of the initial anger of being lied to, I let it all go and gave in to the things that I can’t control and took this change of plans for what it was worth. I used it to my advantage by making a clear and concise plan of actions for the next week and daydreamed while also reading a few books and preparing myself for a new yoga regimen. I also realized my vocation and gained an immense amount of insight. πŸ˜€ see you soon.}

My friend, Doug, was checking in on me after I had a few plans change and spent a few hours incredibly angry and frustrated that I couldn’t return home as soon as I’d hoped to begin taking care of all these thing I felt piling up on me.

I haven’t done yoga since I got back from Illinois and it’s been remarkable how different I feel. It’s good to see the difference and compare the way I feel and operate. I’m going to begin again this week and start writing a log each day detailing the changes and feelings I go through with my new yoga regimen. I plan to do it every day from now on until the day I die. πŸ˜€ I love it that much. I even got a nice green yoga mat!

I’ve been reading a few books recently that keep me in a constant state of curiosity and enlightenment. I’ve been learning so much about my self and realizing what a stranger I’ve been to me.

If you’ve ever had one of those intense moments of insight seemingly from nowhere, I had one today! It hit me like a duh moment and I realized my vocation. I went to college and began a double major in Art and Anthropology in order to learn about the world and society as well as humanity and why we became what we are and how we got to this point in order to find a way or ways to change everything for the better.

After a long adventurous life of occupying and traveling, then being pregnant and having a little girl, I started to become more aware of the world and the world beyond the world that we think we see. I’ve realized just how subjective life really is and how much we as humans tend to label everything as an instinct. I’m sure it helps when we make mental notes like, “hey, that thing is a wasp and they have been known to sting the shit out of people.” so anything like a wasp fits into a category and branches of knowledge and information stems off of this notion. So, we’ve come this far in our evolution. Where do you find yourself? Feeling miserable? Unable to decide what to do next? Did you forget something along the way? Remember the beauty of the world when you didn’t know as much? The wonder of it all? I see it all again. When I watch my little baby discover the world, I vicariously see the world through her eyes and everything is new to me again. The labels almost vanish and I find myself in a state of amazement and intrigue. πŸ™‚

I think we got lost along the way. We definitely went out of our way, over-reaching and forgot to turn back and pause for a moment to remember what it was all for. I mean civilization.

Think about it.

We got tired of being hunter-gatherers, nomads and wanderers… so we decided to hunker down next to a body of water and sow seeds and collect them over and over again. Agriculture was born and we were happy to set our roots down. We went through a lot and grew in number and began to fight each other as resources became a commodity.

The industrial revolution came about and we decided to get lazy and let machines do all the strenuous work. Work that once fulfilled us and gave us purpose, maybe.

Then, as we grew jobs were outsourced for cheaper and cheaper labor and we found more and more time on our hands, but less of a fulfilling purpose. Replaced by technology and outsourcing, we felt guilty for all of the idle time we found ourselves with and struggle to find any meaning whatsoever in cookie cutter corporate jobs that benefit an economy that we are told is important. So important, in fact, that we can’t waste time with any new innovative technologies that may be safer for the conditions we’ve imposed on our only planet.

We’ve lost so much.

Somewhere along the way we kept reaching and reaching until we began to create problems so maybe we might have something to fix and do.

We got bored and lost some of the skills that we’d learned along the way.

How many seeds do you save when you eat fruit?

How much fruit do you eat?

How much seedless fruit do you eat?

Isn’t it strange to throw good compost in the trash?

Isn’t it strange that we still have trash in this day and age?

Remember when it was safe to drink the tap water?

How often do you drink bottled water instead?

Do you see?

We take the resources and free sources and ruin them to make a profit. Because the economy is important.

How silly?

If you want people to buy water out of a bottle, give them a reason to.

If you want people to buy seeds or food instead of harvesting their own, give them a reason to.

If you want people to buy weapons, start a war. Hell, why not three, or more?

It’s good for the economy.

You see…

We began to create paradise and got bored with all the time we found on our hands.

I study the world Anthropologically every moment that I am alive and breathing.

It will always be in my blood to be aware and question existence.

So, I’ve decided to get rid of my double major in college.

I will always be an Anthropologist at heart.

But to make a real change, you have to inspire others to think and to see with their own will to. Just like inception.

I’m going to keep my major in Art and I’ve decided that it’s not enough just to do and make art. Art is what changes the world.

Something seen can never be unseen.

I’m going to begin the path of becoming an Art teacher. πŸ˜€

I want to inspire others to use their talents and dreams to build a vision and create their own worlds. I know I’ve had my share of amazing teachers in my life that have set me on a new course of inspirational thinking and living. I’d like to do the same, if possible, and learn from them as well.

So, there you have it.

I’ve found my niche’, purpose and goal.

I know it won’t be tomorrow, but that’s the beauty of life’s revelations and journeys.

This is going to be fun!

Peace, Love, & Namaste’

~Kimlee

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A Dull Sharp Pain.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when it happens to you.

Two worlds collide and nothing is ever the same.

Even if infinity is merely a blip on the radar,Β 

I wanna spend it with you.

Most days I can brush these feelings aside,Β 

but today I just can’t hide.

It hurts.

This commotion creeping through every crevice of my being…

In a few minutes I am going to give inΒ 

and let go.

I’m going to let it take over me and do what it wants.

I haven’t the strength to fight itΒ 

and the idea of attempting to is equally exhausting.

An influx of negativity is drowning every cell that holds me together and I sweat it all out in my tears.

I look around and find many others that have experienced this kind of pain.

Who am I to talk to them about it?

They know full and well what it’s like.

I’m just late to the game and writhing.

They would probably tell me that I’ll get used to it.

Used to the feeling and good luck with the healing.

Fuck…

I’ve never been here before.

In this untamed world of emotion and unable to find something to grab onto and lift myself up.

I can usually tell myself that it will pass and things will change, but I can’t tell if I am punishing myself or not.

If I am, then it will be relentless.

If I am not, then, who knows.

All that I can be sure of is that the pain is there and lingering.

Dull and aching until my awareness greets it again and again,

bringing it to the surface and sharpening the edge of my insanity.

This must be purgatory.

Otherwise known as love.

Β 

~Kimlee

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What it’s like Being a Parent.

So, I know a lot of people were quite surprised whenever they found out that I was pregnant last year.

I even had a few people ask me if I was going to get an abortion!

I’m sorry, but that is kind of a crazy thing to ask someone when they tell you they have good news.

I know that they were a few hardcore activists that were wondering if I might join the Deep Green Resistance or something, but what the hell are we fighting for, if not for the next generation of humanity to carry on our torches and do it better and wiser?!

I am seriously proud and very thankful to be a mother and I have always wanted to be.

If you think maybe that I wasn’t in a situation to bring a person into the world and take care of them, I would hope you consider all of the amazing people that weren’t born into “perfection”. Whatever that is… I’m sure society has it described as something that barely anyone reaches. And if you have, then bravo and congratulations! Haha!

I am ten months apart from my brother and I’m sure my mother did not plan to have two kids at the age of 34! ^_^! I’m really glad that she didn’t decide not to have me even though I wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t…

So…

I thought I might take a moment to describe what it is like for me being a parent and mother.

I think in an Anthropological sense about all of the tribal people from past and present that gave birth and raised children with much less than I have! Oh how intense that must be and must have been. No epidural or cesarean section or pitocin… Nada! Zip! Zilch!

Not even in a sanitary hospital.

So when I think of these millions of women and children, I know that it’s in my blood, in my DNA, in the human coding how to raise a little one.

As for the experience itself, I find myself going about it in various ways. Always thinking and pondering of the many aspects of being a child and raising one.

When I watch Eeo grow, I imagine my growth as a baby and child and appreciate my mother, females, and all mothers so much more than I ever have.

It’s like a new light has been cut on and my view of the world has expanded. πŸ˜€

I also consider that my childhood is for the most part voided out and this makes me want to raise my baby with experiences that she will love to remember and cherish. I want her life to be unforgettable.

I am already listing places I want to take her at various ages and all the things I want to show her. This is like being an Earth Ambassador. Some sort of tour guide in a sense…

I have welcomed her into the world and now it is my sworn duty to protect her as I show her everything that this planet has to offer and let her know what kind of impact we all have here so that she may know her own and one day I can send her off on her own to live her adventure as she pleases.

What a beautiful role to have in this world!!! ^_^!

I have a newfound love for the little things. I can live vicariously through her as she has her new experiences and is amazed by things I may have taken for granted throughout life. To babies, every little thing in the world is amazing.

And somewhere along the line we forget this.

I could not thank her more for bringing me a new life and giving me such a beautiful and noble responsibility!

I’ve never taken the time to be on my own and really bring out the best in me until I began to bring out things in her. I don’t ever feel like I’m giving her anything she is lacking. Like with language. I’m not teaching her what she doesn’t know necessarily. I am merely teaching her the labels we have placed on the world around us in order to discuss and describe them. She goo’s and gaa’s all the time. She has a language already as she tries to express herself and her feelings to me every once in a while. I just don’t understand baby language and she doesn’t understand English, yet. Hahahaha!

I always think about this whole experience in a sort of Buddhist light and as an internal scientist.

I study her to learn more about her individually and also to understand the human race better! What better way to be an Anthropologist than to do it from the basics and from the ground up?

As I go about trying to understand her and the human experience better, I always find that it all comes back to my self as well. I am learning so much about myself. My true self and I don’t think I could have ever achieved it the way I am without her. ❀

So there you have it.

Have I ever been scared or worried or regretful?

Sparingly and barely whenever I was in the middle of my pregnancy, but as soon as those negative thoughts crept up, as they always seem to do… I extinguished them with hope, love, and excitement for all of the beautiful and positive things there are to being in this position.

What perfect timing, too! I think twenty-six is the perfect age for me to begin this journey. I’ve gotten a lot out of my system and have matured more than I put on. ;D

I hope if you are a parent that you feel the same joy and love that I feel.

Always. :3

Much love & namaste,

~Kimlee

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A Day in the Life…

What an amazing day!

By most standards, my day may not be of any value to anyone else but me.

But, I feel amazing and I am maintaining my present moment in a new way and practicing a lot of new things at once. πŸ˜€

I woke up today and fed Eeo after changing her diaper.

I talked to her for a few minutes until her attention began to wane. Then, I rolled her over for some arm, back, and neck strengthening tummy time! She’s getting better at her little baby pushups. Haha! When she began to get a little frustrated at that baby “Asana” I set her in her play gym with her cute little animal toy friends and added her new furry bunny from yesterday to it. She loves playing with the toys with her hands and looking into the mirror while she kicks the piano at her feet. This gyms is perfect for teaching her self awareness, different textures, and cause and effect. ;D

I picked up around the room a little before getting into some morning yoga.

After yoga, I began to collect my things as I had just collected myself and prepare myself for what is to come next.

I’m moving back to Georgia soon, so I am packing and getting things ready today.Β 

I pulled Eeo around in a little car walker after her gym time and shared my breakfast of fruit with her to give her a little taste.Β 

Then, I fed her a bottle and put her down for a nap all while listening to a two hour lecture by Alan Watts. (<3)

I’m still organizing and cleaning, but I took a moment to do some spring time yoga and sit doing nothing so that I could ponder on Alan’s words and meaning before I wake Eeo for another bottle and go on about the day.

I never really blog about what I am doing or much about my life in the seemingly mundane aspects, so I thought I might share a day with you.

From here, I plan to eat lunch while Eeo hangs out with family and plays in her jumper before I give her a bath.

I can’t say for sure what the rest of the night will turn into as I am amiable and open to opportunities that present themselves, but I hope that you find as much happiness and enjoyment throughout your day as I have found in the most simple of tasks. πŸ˜€

Ta ta for now,

much love and namaste,

~Kimlee

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